Empowerment
An Essay by Johnny R Calvert
Who am I? What is the tipping point between defensive protectionism and genuine empowerment? I wonder.
I wonder that one finds tools upon tools in one’s exploration of the ‘who am I’ question. Books, seminars, gurus, mantras, affirmations. Outside of oneself one finds pointers, if one is lucky or attentive. It seems the good ones point inward. And when one turns inward, the tipping point appears - perhaps far off in the distance at first, but likely to beckon one ever closer.
I don’t always breathe. Why is that? Where do I go when I leave the safety of my breath? Can a body that is not breathing maintain life? Can a body watching its breath find life? I wonder.
As a youngster, I never pondered such questions. I enjoyed the freedom of unscheduled vacations; I enjoyed the play of games; and I enjoyed my friends. But I didn’t ponder.
As a youngster, my feet generated so much heat I couldn’t comfortably wear shoes. I had so much energy running through my body I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning in resistance to such an experience. But I didn’t ponder.
I studied throughout grade school and did well. I studied throughout college and did well. I was such a good student I earned many accolades. But I didn’t ponder. I just did, and did, and did. Somehow, somewhere along the way I became those things that I did. Not pondering though, just doing - one task after another, mentally maneuvering throughout my life. I wasn’t actually living, just doing.
Nike says "just do it." I beg to differ, for now I ponder and that’s beginning to make all the difference.
As the energy of my youth subsided, in middle age I became tired. And as the tiredness grew I became unable to maintain my doing to such an extent that I stopped altogether. I ended my well-accomplished traditional career and huddled in quietness; I asked for a teacher and a gentle wisdom replied from within. Lo and behold, a genuine hunger for deep self exploration had been birthed within me and I am forever changed. The conscious awareness of my inner wisdom, of my intuitive senses had taken hold and the value of life was no longer in the doing, it was in the being. I began to ponder!
Truths of the human experience begin to reveal themselves when one explores with intuition. Where there is judgment, one begins to see with compassion. Where there is rigidity, one becomes flexible enough to allow change.
With intuition one begins to see how one’s sense of safety in this world, how one’s expression of emotions and sexuality, how one’s receptivity to love and compassion and oneness, how one’s creativity and personal expression and ability to allow multiple truths, and how one’s sense of spirituality might, well … be not of their own design.
Surprises abound when one intuits beyond the veils of shadow into truth. And it’s lovely to see beyond the veils. Lovely indeed.
There are useful roadmaps that help us move beyond the veils, roadmaps born of creativity and wonder, discovered by explorers who have gone before and returned to teach; roadmaps practically applied and scientifically measured. Personally, I don’t care that much for scientific proof, though I greatly value results, repeated time and time again. For awhile I shall learn, thank you teachers, and after awhile I shall teach.
And so it was that I heard my inner wisdom; it asked that I connect with the Earth, in loving communication and in honoring relationship. The physical elements of my body recalling their source, comforted by an ever deepening connection; the presence of my Spirit honoring the presence of Gaia, beholding sacred beauty in such witness. For Gaia seeks to express on many levels; we do the same.
Gaia invokes the energies of potential and marries them with creation in giving birth to nature. And we do what we will, oftentimes unconsciously. With Gaia’s gift of nature, what shall we do? How shall we receive her abundance? How shall we receive nature’s pure form and create further? We may stand awestruck at the vision of a pure Ganges flowing her sacred waters, offering life itself the ability to thrive. We may daydream, warmed by the purity of gentle sunlight. We may smell the lilacs and taste the sweet nectar of honeysuckle. We may indeed. Thank you Gaia. Let us awaken to your magnificent beauty.
I heard my inner wisdom; it asked that I stop thinking for a while and relax into being. I am not the body, I am not the mind. Who then? Just presence, mere sacred presence. And from presence, the veils get lifted. I am that I am.
Outside of mind is where we access our intuitive senses, where we go online with that which we truly are. My teacher gave me a roadmap; "meditation is a location" she said. The experience of life is artificially boxed in by an unconscious and habitual practice of thought. The awareness of being is ever expansive through the practice of skillful meditation.
What might be the experience of skillful meditation? It might be seeing beyond the deceiving density of physical form to the energies that actually comprise it. It might be communicating with those energies to glean why they’re just the way they are, why they‘ve taken a particular form. It might be acknowledging them for exactly what they are, just before they surrender themselves for transformation. They weren’t good, bad or ugly. They were aspects of the human experience.
Life flows, constantly changing. That is its nature. It is our resistance that sometimes freezes it in time, creating a sufficiently dense form as to require further notice. Sometimes this density is a child’s cry left uncomforted; sometimes it’s a lover’s glance not returned. It’s most always a need unmet, most always resistance to exactly what is. We’re divinely complex creatures and the poetry of life is rarely linear, from one simple point to another. It flows in many directions on many levels. Outside of mind we may learn to gracefully partner its dance. In skillful meditation we may relax into Being and become the dancer.
I ponder why I sometimes feel vulnerable to attack, why I sometimes feel another’s unspoken criticism, why I’m sometimes unreceptive to generosity or love. I ponder why I would speak the words of another and quiet my own. Sometimes we have to work out the steps before becoming graceful in the dance. Sometimes intuition is hard work. And so it is.
I’m learning that the dance of intuition involves call and response. I call out a question and inner wisdom responds with truth. It is perhaps only required that I show up for the dance for the music to begin.
In intuitive repose I recall childhood memories of a ranting parent, enraged by who knows what and I was afraid. In intuitive repose I recall being punished, feeling unloved and belittled. In intuitive repose I recall shy attempts at being kind to the 7th grade bully, not because I wanted his friendship, but to avoid further belittlement.
Why would I want to be in this body when this world can be so cruel? How can I be in this body without the tools of self esteem and self love? How could I even become aware of the necessity for self esteem and self love when it’s not substantially evident in those around me? "He’s all boy; she’s all girl" didn’t cut it for me. Where’s the humanity?
As a conscious adult using the tools of intuition I get to acknowledge such traumas and nurture my own healing. Sometimes intuition is hard work. And so it is.
Meditation is well beyond an empty mind, so much more than simply not thinking. It is giving witness to the truth of trauma, to the truth of human experience, fully and completely. But in the intuitive, inner wisdom state trauma is as sacred an experience as the melting glow of sunset on a warm summer’s eve.
In the inner wisdom state I honor that child’s grief and hold him in comfort. He surrenders the past and I am that much more whole. That child’s capacity for life and love is returned to me in present time and I am humbled seeing such beauty in myself. Coming out of intuitive repose I am better able to see such beauty in others. We are one.
I used to hold myself apart, never fully integrating into groups. I never pondered why. As I heal myself I begin to feel safer in the world, to express my emotions more securely, to hold value for my accomplishments, to be affectionate, to free my mannerisms and personality quirks for expression, to believe that what I can imagine can indeed be real.
As I heal myself I begin to experience life as sacred. As I heal myself I release constriction and allow organic expansion; I open to love and see that it can be so freely given and received. As I heal myself I become physically, mentally, spiritually empowered.
I wonder, is it so vitally important to ponder?
© June 22, 2008 Johnny R Calvert
