A Personal Journey to the Place-Before-Physical-Experience
An Essay by Johnny R Calvert
A journey fueled by an innate desire to transform is not one of mind, is not one of words, is not one of linear experiences - from one to another, with a beginning and an end. Funny things these are, though, so fundamental in the way we humans identify ourselves - bodies with histories, personalities with stories, perceptive lenses colored by all of the above. Perceptive lenses, funny things again, dutifully serving as label makers for who we believe ourselves to be - son of Dad, spitting image of Mom, scholarly student, the circle in the square. Oh, the profundity; oh, the beauty. Though we are none of this, though we are none of that, though we are essentially none of anything we could put into words, we can experience it all. Ah, therein the beautiful gift of Being.
And in the beginning, we are potential, pure awareness untouched by experience. In the field of original essence is this potential. In the field of original essence we are aware of being aware, devoid of identification, full of only truth. In the field of original essence we are also aware of the presence of others, devoid of identification, full of truth. From the field of original essence, we have begun this journey onto this physical plane. But how, but why? Does it matter? Questions are merely words, nonexistent in the field. Questions, perhaps, are the fodder, sometimes brilliantly orgasmic and sometimes cruelly cutting, we use in the pursuit of finding ourselves, roadmaps along the way toward … ah, simple remembrance.
First, a movement from here to there within the field, then a peculiar expression - a resonance between here and there we could call music, manipulations of potential we could call light, compilations of light we could call imagery. We share this language of energy, this way of being within the field and we behold beauty, in community. We are glorious! And somehow we move to slow down the frequencies; alas, we could call this state matter. Within the field of matter we continue to experience music, light and imagery, only in another energetic language, one of slower frequency; not better, not worse, just slower. We are human now and sometimes forget from where we came, from where we potentialized, from where we remain. Oh, to experience the field ever so slightly, we are fueled and become innately desirous of deeper remembrance, of transformation.
For many years my inner voice quietly, ever so gently, offered me “I’m asleep and I don’t know what that means.” A cup of creamy coffee, married ever so slightly with processed sugar and five lovely low-nicotine cigarettes later, no more inner voice and it was back to bed for another fifteen hour day at the office in the beautifully elegant City by the Bay. All was on track for this working class licensed professional fellow from a that’s-the-way-it-is rural town in north central Alabama.
Is success a miserable thing? Can life be otherwise? Fifteen years and three long- term relationships later, my hands lost their grasp. My spirit was all but dead; I was intensely spent.
And the Eagle cried! I asked the universe for a teacher and she came. “I am not the mind, I am not the body.” Then who am I? The next phase of my personal journey to the place-before-physical-experience began.
My inner voice quietly, ever so gently, continued.
I am
I am being
I am
I am expressing
Stillness
Movement
I am
Thank you
Reflect me
That I may see who I am
Reflect me
That I may see that I am not
Reflect me
That I may disappear
Reflect me
That I may annihilate
Reflect me
Be you
Thank you
You are a gift
A signpost in my darkness
Thank you
Thank you
I am blessed
Thank you
May I be humbled
That I begin to trust in any way this inner voice, this intuition, I begin to trust that we all, in this lifetime, in these matter-laden, matter-gifted bodies may realize our birthright - the remembrance of the place-before-physical-experience; the conscious, experiential return to our field of original essence. With that, we are both; both here and there, both matter and light. We are glorious creatures! And so, my personal journey began with an inner voice, an inner compass toward a deeper truth.
It continued with a stone. When I placed the blue-green stone, polished smooth by some unknown machine by some unknown craftsman, working for some unknown entrepreneur selling his wares to this local Crystal Shop, as likely as not known for selling polished heart-shaped pink crystals as paperweights, and to which I was becoming accustomed to visiting … just how connected are we anyway?
Back to the point, when I placed the blue-green stone in my hand a cool wash of fresh mountain stream flowed forth into my fingers, up my arm and throughout my body. What is this? A stone that I can sense with something other than touch? A stone that is what, communicating? A stone that heals? What is healing? Very cool. Let’s review … seeing, touching, hearing, smelling, tasting. Which is this? Did I miss something in fifth grade anatomy?
My teacher says this is clairsentience. Should I say guru here? Is there a difference? Is there an inference? Oh, the labeling thing again, words as descriptors, words as signposts along the way, words as identifiers. Let’s just hold in trust that words are carriers of energy, the bearers of truth and untruth alike. But on this plane, words sure can be useful.
Are words oftentimes the language of the unconscious? Are words all that we sometimes are willing to hear? To speak? To feel? To know? To visualize? Communication comes in many forms, dear friends.
Back to the stone. I felt this thing, not unlike or substantially different from the vast, uncountable other seemingly trivial inanimate objects I’ve encountered throughout my life, transmit a vibration that was received into my body and registered in my senses. It didn’t necessarily have an intention about it, it just did it. Hmm, if there is intention, there must be awareness. If there is mere presence without intention, there must be something else - a phenomenon of resonance? Jeepers, how much am I being influenced by other things in my environment? And having said that, what might I be if that influence were to be removed?
That stone thing was an interesting experience and I began to practice with other stones, to practice sensitizing my hands to the fields of energy emitted by things, by plants, by trees, by people, by myself. Oh yes, most everything, I discovered, has a sensible field of energy around and through it, called by those in the know an aura or bio-energetic field.
Opening myself up to this technique of psychometrics, I experienced both awe and fear. Fear of what, I don’t know, but the fear was there nonetheless. I’d likely vote for it being fear of self-discovery and fear that the world is actually a much, much richer place than we’ve allowed ourselves to imagine, than we’ve allowed ourselves to experience. Blessed are the meek. Really? How about blessed are those who daringly seek to witness themselves, lenseless, as they truly are, beyond their skillful protectionisms, beyond their masterful deceptions? Will they find their humbled magnificence? Will I find mine?
I’d like to offer, as many others have done, that our fears, our failures, are great teachers and deeply meaningful signposts along the way to self-remembrance, to humbled magnificence. In humility, we choose defeat or we choose greatness. It’s a choice; we simply choose from a list of alternatives; we have so much free will that we even get to choose how long or short that list of alternatives is. Imagine! Perceptive lenses, masterfully crafted, are funny things.
Let’s get back to the aura for awhile. Now let’s see, a living thing is composed of matter. Do we recall that matter is the energetic language of a slower, denser frequency of light? And what animates matter? Well then, it must be light! And what is light? Light is energy. Words, words, words! Let get to some experiencing! For it is, I propose, the experience of oneself as light, as energy, that seeds and readily fuels the innate desire to transform oneself from what is to what may be, to potentialize!
Using hand psychometry, I continued to feel about things and people. Psychometry is a very interesting phenomenon, like many other keys to doors that have gone unopened, to senses that have been asleep. My initial experience of it was like reading atmospheric pressure, a sense of the strength and shape of something’s life force.
I sensed the life force of a plant, for example, as emanating most strongly from the tips of the individual leaves, with the overall field of bioenergy, or aura, in roughly the shape of the plant itself. I sensed the life force of a person in the same way, as atmospheric pressure. Then a peculiar thing happened, an inner knowing, a deeper perception of the energy became accessible.
As I held open my hands in invitation for the auric energy of another person to communicate with me, I began to receive textural impressions such as static, heat and cold. I began to receive emotional impressions such as anger and love; and I began to receive visual imagery of childhood dolls, the faces and expressions of parents and friends, brief moving vignettes of the experiences of trauma and neglect. I began to hear the cries from days gone by when the tears were held back, unallowed to flow; I began to hear the tones of the figures of authority who thought they knew best how one should be. I began to receive the impressions of humanity.
I began the study of myself through and with others, my experiences sometimes mirrored by them and sometimes mirrored for them. Oh the interconnectedness! We are indeed wondrous creatures.
For these budding senses, seeing with intuitive eyes, clairvoyance; hearing with intuitive ears, clairaudience; feeling the joys and pains of another, clairsentience; knowing without learning or thought, claircognizance; speaking without voice, telepathy; I am so thankful. That these senses are available to each of us, I am humbled. I am not special, but I am a wondrous creature. We have that in common, you and me.
Reflect me, fellow human
That I may see who I am
Reflect me, fellow human
That I may see that I am not
Reflect me
That I may disappear
Reflect me
That I may annihilate
Reflect me, fellow human
Be you
Is there a foundation to any of this? Yes, being alive. Is there a path of study for this? Yes, a path outside of mind, outside of words, outside of linear experiences. By becoming aware of our perceptual lenses we begin to free ourselves from labels, from identifiers, from limitations. My deeper path of study began with meditation.
“Meditation is a location,” I’ve been told by a person in the know. If you’re that person reading this now, I thank you, you wise soul that dared to discover yourself and then reached out to teach others. May your joys and tears of self discovery, again and again, seed and nourish what has been latent. May all the seers and visionaries of our world flourish through such humbled bravery.
As my sensitivity to energy increased, I was taught to distinguish different types of energy, such as an individual’s distinctive life force, an identifying frequency unique to each of us; grounding energy and one’s energetic connectedness to matter, to the physical Earth; and mental energy, that oft times bastardization of one’s pure life force, a case of potential oft gone awry. But that’s judgement, case in point!
I really shouldn’t leave this point hanging. An example of one’s pure life force gone awry might be, well, a thought that constricts rather than empowers, a thought that contains rather than enlightens. We’re always making choices and choices create patterns.
If we have ten dollars worth of energy to spend, shall we spend seven dollars of it emoting why something cannot be done? Or shall we spend seven dollars of it being creative? There are likely no problems, only situations for which the next step is heretofore undetermined.
The more we constrict, the more readily we accept constriction - a pattern. The more we empower, the more readily we accept empowerment - a pattern. Oh, the power of believing in oneself. Oh, the potential of deeply felt affirmations.
He who seeks change is pathless
He who feels change knows truth
I live my truth in present time
And I accept my innate wisdom, beyond logic
With a growing ability to discern and locate, in a knowing way, my own energy of awareness, I became able to move it around like a misty cloud - from the area of the forehead, where it primarily seemed to hang out, to the parietal lobes of my brain. It ran around this place called the brain, like an energetic toddler unleashed from its confines. I affirmed “ I place my awareness energy in my hypothalamus gland.” As I would discover, I had been instructed well.
I visualized my hypothalamus gland as a place in the center of my brain, positioned between my ears at the level of the bridge of my nose. “Meditation is a location,” I directed. Hmm, thought - that’s mental, I was right back in the forehead. I strived to force my awareness to this place by visualizing linear lines. Mental again, and right back to the forehead. (Structuring, is that a male attribute?) Would a gentler, more organic allowing be conducive to the goal? (Receptivity, is that a female attribute?)
And with a gentle but decisive whoosh, my awareness energy swirled around the perimeter of my brain, like water around a drain, and moved without hesitation into a seat of stillness, of quiet, of solitude. Meditation, now by my own experience, had become a location, a sanctuary.
Why this word, sanctuary, a place of refuge? Refuge from mental activity and the constructs of so-called reality; refuge from the patterned known, refuge from perceptual lenses; the doorway to pure awareness and to pure being; the doorway to the field of original essence - the place before physical experience.
And from this sanctuary my intuitive senses go on-line. I am fueled and innately desirous of deeper remembrance, of transformation.
* * * * *
We hold many things within us and there are many places within us for things to be held, to be confined, to be restricted. There is also great potential within us to flow, to unleash, to flourish.
One particular model for human energy anatomy is the chakra system. It’s been around as a field of study, for many cultures, for thousands of years. Surely this is reason enough to regard it sincerely - to regard it sincerely as a stepping off point toward a direct experience of its power to connect us more deeply with ourselves.
In intuitive communication with my first chakra, I may sense with knowing, seeing, or feeling, how safe I feel in this world. Where I feel unsafe, I might recall a childhood incident of being bullied by a neighborhood peer; or I might recall the impatient yank of the arm by a parent ready to move along, not accepting a child’s delay in the joyousness of a moment.
Children are precious, sensitive beings. When they feel dominated, they feel unsafe in their own world. In intuitive communication, I can say to my childhood self “Oh, I see your pain. I’m sorry. Let me embrace you gently now as your tears flow. You are safe.” I am re-parenting that trauma. I am healed and feel that much safer.
There are many chakras, some major, some minor. Within my second chakra, I sense my emotional issues and sexual expression. By bringing awareness to this energetic center, I can observe, in real time, if I’m using emotional or sexual energy as a vehicle of communication. And I can feel, clairsentiently, another person’s emotional or physical state of health.
What we hold on to can be seen. What we hold on to genesises perceptual lenses that color our experiences, that dutifully serve as label makers for how we believe the world to be. What we hold on to blocks our free-flowing, present time experience of living.
Where my lense is one of unexpressed frustration, I see the world as frustrating. Where my lense is one of unexpressed anger, I see the world as angry. Where my lense is one of love, I see the world as loving. What I am willing to express, what I am willing to feel, I can flow freely.
Within the field, first, a movement from here to there, then a peculiar expression - a resonance we could call music, manipulations of potential we could call light, compilations of light we could call imagery. This language of energy centers in our chakras.
Our individual, unique life force flows from the field into our chakras. It is here that it gets played like a concerto or a dirge - the energy of potential, molded by free will and choice, and experienced as that which we mold into creation. How shall I mold? How many molds am I willing to destroy and create anew?
When I first began, using psychometry, to connect with my chakras I experienced them as pipes, either rusty and clogged or flowing, for the most part, freely. As I continued to practice, having seated my higher intuitive senses in my meditation sanctuary, I experienced the flow of clean, fresh life-force as a means of washing away a dense clog in a pipe. I experienced color as a means of enlightening darkness. I experienced sound as a means of vibrating myself to a higher state of health. Fresher, lighter, brighter is good intuition energy medicine.
In my energy medicine practice, I don’t always know what something sensed represents. What have I blocked? What have I not been willing or able to feel, to express? It doesn’t always matter. Sometimes, we’re more willing and able than we believe. In these cases, I’ll just try bringing in a fresh flow of life force, or a musical note, or a brighter color and see if the blockage dissipates. In any case, I choose to try.
The more I constrict, the more readily I accept constriction - a pattern. The more I empower, the more readily I accept empowerment - a pattern. Oh, the power of believing in oneself, in the experiential discovery of oneself as a musical concerto, as color, as light.
* * * * *
There are many frequencies of energy. The practice of energy medicine includes some that are conducive to physical healing, some that are conducive to emotional healing, and some that are conducive to deeper remembrance - fuel for the path to personal transformation.
There are those pioneering visionaries and seers who have gone before us into the frontiers of healing and transformative practices; and some have returned to teach us. We thank them. At the end of the day, though, through free will and choice, we are individually responsible for developing and trusting our inner voice, our compass of deeper truth.
In that regard, we are responsible for our own search, practice and application of the gifts that are offered to us within our intuitive state. Our teachers may guide us, but we alone must come to the conclusions we reach. Our conclusions likely should come from within rather than without. From our teachers, we are told of our beauty. From our practice, we are experientially immersed in it.
Findings from such a place of experiential immersion cannot be shaken. I offer we must arrive at such an unshakable place to be entrusted with even more.
In my practice, I use a frequency of energy that comes from the Earth; let’s call this Earth Energy. Sitting down in a chair, feet flat on the floor, I drop my awareness low to the ground. I breathe easily and comfortably, releasing tension as I follow the ins and outs of my breath. I increase my awareness of my feet and legs, my pelvis and torso, my shoulders and arms, hands and neck. With each breath, I am more relaxed, more surrendered to the gentle forces of gravity.
From the mental processes about my forehead, from the chatter of continuing dialogue about my telepathics, I imagine a line, one that carries these energies, no longer needed for the past is the past, and now is now, and I visualize all of these energies draining away and grounding to the Earth. If I sense resistance to letting go, I simply affirm putting away everything for now. What is needed later will be there when I return. I am rejuvenating, returning to the quiet stillness of sanctuary.
As my spent energies leave my body and flow to the ground, I receive renewed, fresh Earth Energy into my feet. My body, being physical matter, loves this slow, deep resonance. Sometimes I perceive it as color, like amber or warm liquid gold, fern green or jasper red. Sometimes I perceive it as a music, like the timbre of a Japanese gong or the song of a meadow. And sometimes it is an all-senses treat, a forest alive with the sounds, colors and music of nature. Sometimes it’s just brown.
This frequency of energy, this language of light, sometimes flows from my feet into every part of my body, up my spine and out my crown, into my heart and through my arms. I am grounded, at peace, in sanctuary. I am available now to hear my inner voice respond as I inquire.
From this place of quiet, other frequencies become discernable - my unique frequency of life force, that which comes from the field to animate me and fill me up with myself; another frequency of higher vibration, sometimes colored as rose-gold, acerbic in its tactility and conducive to physical healing; and yet another frequency of even higher vibration, sometimes colored as pearlescent gold, gentle and always wise, conducive to emotional and spiritual healing. And there are colors, each one abundant in its range of hues, musicality, and tactility. It’s a rich, rich world in this place of quiet.
What is possible with these frequencies? So much, I trust. What have I experienced with them? Likely so little. Though I have witnessed, through facilitating them, relief from arthritic pain, rapid healing of broken bones and cuts, convulsive outbursts in the release of trauma, tears of gratitude that emotional pain long held deep has passed. Holding compassionate space for the witnessing of another’s sacred self is love indeed.
There are other frequencies, including those of transformation, portals that offer us the chance to, on increasingly deeper levels, explore ourselves, to return to the field of original essence wherefrom our potential came.
Frequencies exist wherein duality, polarity and separation may be played with experientially. Might these include our own male and female energies? What stronger force have we reckoned with outside of nature! And frequencies exist wherein deep cleansing and creativity can be had. What is the destructive force when male and female collide? What is the creative potential when healed male energies and healed female energies unite?
Do we dare to believe? Do we dare to call into action our personal reservoir of transformative Kundalini? Do we dare to enter, directly and without a go-between, that field of energy where all thoughts, actions and experiences are recorded, where universal wisdom is accessible for the asking? Perhaps, only that information for which we are ready to receive is available to us. But dare we dream of personal evolution, of human evolution, of planetary evolution?
* * * * *
Are we alone in all this? Not necessarily. When we’re ready, likely the universe conspires to provide us with all that we need for the movement from this moment to the next. As we transcend thought we experience consciousness as a phenomenon beyond our brains and within the energetic structures of our being; we transform ourselves, from matter-laden bodies ruled by ego and desire to beings of light potentializing the experiences of physicality. Oh, the magnificence.
In this transformed state perhaps we are offered communication with those unlike us, Beings of Light not bound to bodies - Spirit Guides, Gurus, and Ascended Masters. Are we willing to accept that much responsibility for ourselves, for our race? Are we willing to trust our inner voice, our internal compass, and be foundationally unshakeable in such communication? Free will endures and we are ourselves responsible, not Spirit Guides, not Gurus, not Ascended Masters.
Sometimes I’m pasty in fear. Sometimes I cry in gratitude. May I be unshakeable in my resolve to simply recall from where I came and to walk in the grace of that remembrance.
I accept the beliefs of others
as right for them
I came
I loved
I shared
In the beginning, I am potential, pure awareness.
In the field of original essence is this potential.
In the field of original essence I am aware of being aware,
devoid of identification, full of truth.
In this sanctuary, I am in the place-before-physical-experience,
I am matter, I am light.
I cannot be but humbled.
© December 22, 2007 Johnny R Calvert
